I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
