Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
