Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize