So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
