I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
