you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
