R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
