i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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