how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize