What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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