I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
