Just mADE A PArabola og urine
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
