My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
