U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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