The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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