anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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