Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
