bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
