So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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