She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
