My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
