I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
