I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
