Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
