Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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