I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
