they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
