I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
