i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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