don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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