How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize