I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
