saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize