i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
