I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
