the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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