I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
