i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
