Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
