420 ftw
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
