I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
