It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
