Can i not drive my cunt home
farters have to be the big spoon...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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