just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
