My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
