So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
