Just cropdusted the office
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize