Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize