he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
