i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
