No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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