Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
