what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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