The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
