Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
