I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
