So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
