I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize