I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
