i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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