I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
