So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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